The patriot game
Sunday, March 14, 2010 By Garvan Grant This year, St Patrick’s Day looks like it’s going to be even quieter than last year, when we just sat around in the pub and shook our heads in disbelief at what had happened to our country.
Unfortunately, Ireland is no longer the coolest and richest place on the planet, with only Greeks and Icelandic people still envying us.
Irish people themselves are even a tiny bit embarrassed at all the shenanigans some of us got up to during the Celtic tiger years, so this year there will definitely be no green cocaine, no seven-day Paddy’s Week party and no more getting so drunk that we can’t even walk or start fights. Well, apart from the last one obviously, as we can still just about afford to do that.
This year, there are going to be even more cutbacks. The traditional St Patrick’s Day parades will be just like the ones we used to have back in the glorious, povertystricken 1970s.There will be the Garda Band (if they’re not on strike), 12 frozen majorettes from the Bronx and two floats, one sponsored by McGroarty’s Sausages of Ballinabraty and one sponsored by Behans of Athengarvey:
One of The Best Pints in West Athengarvey.
These four groups will travel around Ireland on St Patrick’s Day and do the parades in Dublin, Cork, Limerick and Galway and that will be it for the whole country. If people want to see parades, they can either go to these cities or watch them on telly with a few cans of beer.
For ordinary Irish people, there are plenty of other ways to celebrate being Irish this St Patrick’s Day without actually wearing something green, getting drunk and falling over:
Fight back: we have a reputation around the world as the fighting Irish. It is time to reclaim that
So, on Wednesday, start fights with tourists watching the parades, with your cousins and with striking public sector workers. Then, head up North and start fights with loyalists.
Love others: being Irish is a very insular and private thing, but it is also important to embrace other cultures. So, on St Patrick’s Day this year, see if your favourite English or Scottish soccer team is playing a game. If not, maybe watch your favourite English or American television shows or go shopping in a large English or American shop.
Become a foreigner: actually, why not go the whole hog and pretend you’re English or American?
It’s not exactly the most patriotic thing to do on our national day, but at least you can avoid that sympathetic look we now get when we tell people we’re Irish. Remember when people used to be so happy to meet an Irish person? Now, thanks to corrupt politicians, greedy developers and arrogant bankers, being Irish has become like some kind of disease.
Get angry: selling intoxicating substances? Legally? In your town? If you have absolutely nothing else to do, go and stand outside your local headshop with a placard.
It’s great fun. When you’re done, buy 20 fags, head down the pub and get really hammered.
Then, drive home drunk, start a fight with members of your family and see if your liver wants a last one before bed.
A proud tradition: what better day of the year to pack up and leave than St Patrick’s Day? Emigration is in the Irish blood, so we should be as proud of it as we are of the drinking and the fighting and the praying. When you arrive at the immigration desk in the country of your choice, just say:
‘‘How ya, I’m Irish.” If they say that Ireland wasn’t very welcoming to immigrants during its boom years, just say: ‘‘Any chance of a pint?” That should work.
Strike while the iron is hot: striking appears to be the only way to deal with Ireland’s problems, as our public sector workers are clearly showing. Even if you don’t have a job, go on strike immediately. Let’s get Ireland not working again.
Demand change: there are so many things to complain about these days, so it’s worth giving Joe Duffy’s show a ring. Even if you don’t have anything to moan about, give him a call to see what other people are giving out about. You may agree with them. Or better still you may not. Let’s get Ireland moaning again.
Credit where it’s due: as St Patrick’s Day is a national holiday, you probably won’t be working that day.
I f you’re unemployed or on strike, you definitely won’t be working then. Why not go out and spend money you don’t have and never will have? Buy something nice for yourself, like a house or an apartment, and we can start rebuilding Ireland.
Wear something green, get drunk and fall over: it’s Paddy’s Day on Wednesday, so do what the Irish do best: put on something green, get hammered and fall over.
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